Language and Connection in Psychotherapy by Davis Mary E.;

Author:Davis, Mary E.;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: undefined
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Incorporated
Published: 2012-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

Interestingly, “we” and “s/he” occur at the same time, both slightly later than “you.” This reflects the child’s ability to recognize that “you” and “I” each have separate relationships to “her,” which is different from the simple recognition that “you” and “I” exist. “We” asserts the belonging-together of “you” and “I,” and “s/he” asserts there is a third person outside that belongingness. “S/he” is outside “I” as well as outside “you,” and the world of people is becoming complicated. This recognition of “s/he” tends to occur around thirty to thirty-four months and is the first evidence of an emerging recognition that there can be relationships with two other people, with “I” competing with “you” for attention from “him.” The ability to resolve this relational conflict and to be comfortable in triadic relationships, to share important lives with others in their lives, is a significant interpersonal achievement, which allows living in groups.

The need for plural and singular pronouns strengthens the recognition of separateness from others, as well as the possibility of “me” and “you” coming together as “us.” The wish for “us” to prevail over “you two” in the triadic competition gives special impetus to the meaning of “us” for the child. Pronouns also reflect the child’s recognition of people outside the dyad and outside the family circle, as he learns “them.” When these terms are added to the developing vocabulary of the child, his internal representations of the world and of relationships are reorganized. We begin to expect more emphasis on verbal “thinking about” and less on action as the way to consider what is outside oneself and how to deal with the world. With verbal skills, early secondary process (logic, and decisions that are less emotionally driven) grows stronger, offering even more ways of coping with relationships and with the world outside.

The reorganization of the baby’s representation of the world and of relationships with others also includes what Fonagy has called “mentalization” (Fonagy et al., 2005), the ability to understand and consider the point of view of the other in an interaction. Recognizing that “s/he” is both not-me and not-you implies recognizing that your view of her may be different from my view of her. In addition, conversations with others make it clear that others have different knowledge and beliefs than the child does and he learns to take those differences into account in his communication. When I was a young child, speaking Spanish to our family’s Hispanic housekeeper, I knew that I needed to speak English to my parents, but that Spanish was acceptable with Hilda. I did not realize that they were two separate languages, but I certainly knew who would understand which words best.

At around fifteen months, the baby can stop his own actions with his own words, saying “no, no,” even though he likely still requires the presence of an adult to reinforce the no. He is beginning to develop the beginnings of a superego, a conscience to tell him that a particular behavior is bad or good.

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